On Sunday, the White House reported that President Donald J. Trump had held strategic conversations with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in anticipation of the G20 summit. With both leaders reaffirming their joint-commitment to the de-nuclearization of the Korean Peninsula, the conversation has been called ‘an historic agreement between world powers.’
The sense of unity was short-lived however, as a result of an unanticipated Tweet from President Trumps now-infamous Twitter account:
“Tried to search Nissan Cars online. No Results = Fake Cars.”
While there has yet to be an official response from the Japanese government, the potential of public uproar is easy to speculate. With over 175,000 employees worldwide there is bound to be backlash to any implication that The Nissan Motor Company, Ltd. is not real.
A contact close to Nissan President and CEO Hiroto Saikawa was quoted as saying, “We spent most of the week, carefully looking around the office and touching things. Either Nissan is very real or 247,279 shareholders are simultaneously tripping balls.”
Hashtags such as #fakecars #seenmynissan? #stumpedbytrumped and #trippingballs began to trend almost immediately, fueling the fire and confusion on social media. Twitter users, such as Korean stoner @asian_highation14 did little to help with posts such as:
“Shocked to learn my Nissan was #fakecar. Remembered I don’t own a Nissan. #trippingballs”
Addressing the Press Corps., White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, elaborated further with the following prepared statement:
“Good Afternoon. Before I get into the President’s key focus, which is public safety, I would like to address my wife, Rebecca, for whom I recently bought a fully-loaded Nissan Armada. No honey, I was not being a cheapskate and buying you a fake car. I swear it was real. I swear it was. Please don’t leave me.
As many of you know, President Trump recently came to the shocking realization that the Nissan Motor Company is not real. While I am unable to share all of the details regarding this alarming discovery, I can assure that you the President’s findings are being researched in-depth. I am also authorized to share that, on strict instruction from the President, we are investigating Nissan’s potential ties to ISIS, based on suspicion of encrypted evidence within the Harold & Kumar film series.
In the meantime, we are recommending that all Nissan drivers refrain from operating their (finger quotes) ‘cars’ until our findings are complete. As a matter of public safety, we cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Based on feedback provided by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, we can confirm that non-real (finger quotes) ‘cars’ should not be relied upon to perform the way that real cars do.
By removing Nissan (finger-quotes) ‘cars’ from our public streets and highways, we can investigate our concerns without obstruction, and without risk to the safety of Americans. There will be no questions. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have to find my wife’s car.”
Reps from Saturday Night Live were unavailable to comment, as the series is currently on summer hiatus. However, actress and comedian Melissa McCarthy, now notorious for her impression of the Press Secretary, responded on social media, stating:
“Damn summer hiatus. #trippingballs”
In a startling footnote, Mr. Spicer announced on July 21st that he would be resigning the post of White House Press Secretary. With media reports listing appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as White House Communications Direction as the motivation for Spicer’s resignation, sources close to the communications staff reported that they had observed Spicer wandering aimlessly through the White House staff parking lot, screaming “ARMADAAAAAA!”
But the real victims are clearly the millions of drivers worldwide who are trapped within their homes and workplaces, terrified to get in their cars out of fear for their safety. Paula McMaster, age 63, of Bethesda MD spoke candidly of her understandable apprehension of transporting her family inside of her Nissan Altima.
“Damn right, I’m not going anywhere. I have my grandchildren here, damn it. Sure we’re out of diapers and there’s sh*t everywhere, but I have to think of their safety. I’m not exactly a car person, but what happens if we’re going down the highway at 65 miles an hour and my car stops being real? I can handle diaper rash, but road rash? This is just the Japanese trying to keep us from ‘Making America Great Again.’”
In the meantime, the global car market sat idle awaiting further clarification. At every level, confusion and paranoia seemed to have taken hold, with Nissan dealers in particular feeling the pain. Randall “Dallas” Takagi (of Takagi Nissan Atlanta) was found wandering aimlessly through his dealership without any clothing. Authorities claim that he had scrawled #trippingballs repeatedly in his own feces specifying that the phrase appeared “from the windows to the walls.” (Hip-Hop artists Lil John and the East Side Boyz could not be reached for comment).
Earlier today, Nissan owners worldwide were able to breathe a sigh of relief when a Federal task force released the findings of their investigation. In a televised press conference, Senior Agent Guadalupe Hidalgo addressed the world:
“In response to recent speculation as to the validity of the Nissan Motor Company, Ltd. an exhaustive investigation was initiated, with full support of the office of the President of the United States. While early findings from physical inspection of vehicles identified as “Nissan” indicated that they were, in fact, very real – it was deemed necessary to use every resource at our disposal in the interest of public safety. While we were unable to obtain access to Nissan Corporate Headquarters or their financial records to perform key due diligence, we were able to access the browser history of the Oval Office. In doing so, we were able to ascertain that the President was unaware that the domain nissan.com was owned by the Nissan Computer Company. Unable to find information on the self-driving Nissan IDS Concept vehicle, President Trump failed to realize that the Nissan Motor Company used www.nissanusa.com as their American domain, assuming instead that the company was not real. To that point – yes, Nissan is real. Nissan cars are real. And any employees of Nissan Motor Company and its franchised dealerships can return to work immediately.”
Editor’s Note: Following completion of this article, an official statement was released by Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Simply stated, it read: “You’re f*cking kidding me, right? #BuyNissan.” Japanese automakers are now trading at an all-time high.
