Brockton, MA – In mid-March, three men from Tennessee were arrested in Brockton, Massachusetts with the police seizing nine guns that were in their possession. Tipped off by an ‘alert citizen,’ police approached a vehicle parked at a home located at 35 Longworth Avenue and found the unlicensed weapons, as well as face masks, kevlar gloves, and red handkerchiefs. And while the initial investigation yielded no clarity as to the intentions of the three young men, it would appear that they might be the link between long-suffering Tennessee Chevy Dealers and the automotive giants of Detroit.
Identified by the media as “20-year-old Theodore Baskette of Madison, TN, 18-year-old Domenick Everett Barshaw of Nashville, TN, and 18-year-old Christopher Smart of Nashville, TN,” the three would-be gunmen were arraigned on Monday, March 18th at Brockton District Court and ordered to be held without bail. The judge also ruled them as ‘fair game for satire.’
But independent investigations facilitated by the dedicated (and surprisingly literate) members of the Tennessee press have uncovered a correlation between the three gunmen, each of which turns out to be the troubled nephew of three different principals of three different area Chevy dealerships.
The Lemon met with Randy Lee Huff, Editor-in-Chief of ‘The Madison Gazette,’ at a roadside BBQ Brothel in Northern Tennessee called “Numz.” In between room temperature cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and mouthfuls of Skoal, Huff regaled us with his findings, in the hopes that our larger following could help to spread the word. The following is a phonetic transcript of that conversation.
“Y’all are fixin’ to look at this the wrong way, son. ‘Round here, trucks… is… life. Some dudes like Ford. Some of ‘em like Chevy. Some even like RAM, bless their heart. We ain’t in the market for none of them Tayotas or Nee-san (spits) and don’t even get me started on no Honda Ridgeline. That’s a truck for carpet munchers in southern Vermont, God love ‘em. Anyhoo (spits) anyone and everyone knows that Ford runs deep as yer daddy in these here parts. As such, Chevy dealers are strugglin’ plenty trying to unload them lighter Silverado buggies, and they got duns rolling in needin’ payin’ and they’s employees can’t even afford their meat and three (spits). Rumor has it, those three boys were headed north to Detroit to open fire and drum up some sympathy points for GM. I heard they was going to dress up like they was from the Mideast, in the hopes of firing up everyone back here in God’s country to get them ‘en buy some Chevy trucks. Seems to me, them boys just got lost on their way.”
Time will tell if authorities are able to confirm this tenuous link when solving the mystery of ‘The Inbred Outlawz’ (a fitting moniker given to the Tennessee men by Kelsea, The Lemon’s newly-hired associate editor) but we’ll keep you up to speed as the updates roll in. Truth be told, our time with Randy Lee Huff did little to instill us with confidence, or compel us to trust in his hate speech. We just stayed quiet so that dirty, racist hillbilly wouldn’t spit on us.