As if Chevy (and GM as a whole) weren’t already weathering a continual onslaught of bad press, it appears as though a splinter faction of a prestigious Scots social club might be looking to (proverbially) ‘rub’ (proverbial) ‘salt’ into the (equally proverbial) ‘wound.’ Why? Because Chevy had the nerve to position the 2019 Chevy Traverse vs 2019 Toyota Highlander. And as every Highlander—since Christopher Lambert pretended not to be French which Sean Connery pretended to be Spanish—knows there can be only one.
Chevy describes the Traverse as “ready for anything” offering “the technology to help you keep you on track, capability you can depend on and advanced safety features to help you arrive with confidence.” But Finlay MacKinnon, a native of Scotland and Chapter President of the ‘Edinburgh Club’ in Scotland, Indiana describes the Traverse as “ a rich piece o’ crap” before finishing his juice bottle full of Irn-Bru & Drambuie and lining it up next to the eight other miscellaneous bottles he had filled and drained.
For the benefit of those who may not be familiar with the Highlander Games, MacKinnon was kind enough to offer this explanation. “Th’ games ur an’ a’ noted fur thair unique sporting ‘n’ athletic events mony o’ whilk involve throwing ‘n’ lifting. Some o’ th’ traditions ‘n’ typical features o’ ony Hielan Games ur th’ caber toss, hammer throw, shotput ‘n’ tug o’ war. Thir’s lot o’ swallyin. Loads o’ cussing. Lost o’ pure tough men ‘n’ fit wummin. Tis a hell o’ a time. ”
We’re not really sure what all of that meant but, as with any festival, funding and sponsorships are required to make it a reality. And when it comes to the Indianapolis Highland Games, automaker Toyota has been the long-standing sponsor offering a new Highlander as one of the most coveted grand prizes. So, when Chevy attempted to oust Toyota as the primary automotive sponsor of the 10th Annual Indianapolis Scottish Highland Games & Fest, Finlay MacKinnon and his cohorts had one word surrounded by several expletives. That one word was ‘Nae.’ Those expletives were all festive variations of ‘fuck.’ And every one of those words was uttered as part of a larger, angry and drunken slur.
“A’ body kens thare kin be ainlie yin,” explains MacKinnon (which translates to ‘everyone knows there can be only one’).
And by ‘one’ that drunk son of a bitch was talking about an automotive sponsor with deep enough pockets to finance the Highlander Games. And while Japan is almost as far from Scotland as a nation could be, the relative absence of Scottish automakers made Toyota a shoo-in, thanks to their Highlander nameplate.
“Th’ teuchter is a braw motor,” offers MacKinnon as he airs out his kilt. “Weel, tis guid enough, at least. It ahs th’ richt name. Bugger chevy ‘n’ that goddamn traverse. A’m needin’ anither dram. ”
It was then that everyone in the Edinburgh Club broke into a brawl, wielding broadswords and beheading one another. And while it took it this reporter several minutes to crawl out from the pile of bleeding corpses, I did manage to catch a glimpse of Finlay MacKinnon – the drunken victor—swaggering into his Toyota Highlander which (ironically) was blindsided a Chevy Traverse.