New Proactive Safety Technologies on the Horizon
Safety. Technology. Proactive. These are the kinds of buzzwords that sell vehicles, words that evoke a strong feeling that car companies are looking out for us and making sure we stay protected on the road. Never mind that they’re constantly pushing the envelope on how fast their vehicles can go, or that reduced speed is the single most effective...
Five Things You Don’t Know to Do When Shopping Used
Friends (and I use that term loosely), you’ve been lied to all your life. Lied to by your government, lied to by your religion, lied to by your parents and school teachers, and – perhaps most importantly – lied to by your auto industry. They all want you to believe that you can look at used SUVs for sale...
2020 Ford Fusion vs 2020 Hyundai Sonata: Which one will make a better Desert-Marauder after the Apocalypse?
As the world tilts ever closer to the jaws of oblivion, it becomes more and more pervasive in the zeitgeist of popular culture that the end times are close to bear. Whether this will be the fall of Rome on a global scale or such a cataclysm to render human civilization not only reset but shackled to a dying...
The Traverse vs Durango: By the Numbers
Choosing the right midsize SUV is hard – there’s a reason most people request a few days off from work in order to pick the best option. Sure, you could take the time to look at the different spec sheets for various models, compare what each one has to offer in terms of their size, cargo capacity, engine power,...
How to Turn Your Chevy SUV Into a Zombie Destroyer
Does the impending zombie apocalypse keep you up at night? Good, me too. Luckily for you, I have developed a foolproof way of protecting yourself from the hordes of undead that are out to eat your brains. This information is very important, so read carefully. I am going to outline how you can turn any of the many Chevy...
Research Indicates Space Aliens Prefer the Chevy Silverado 1500
Astute readers of mine know three simple, inarguable truths: the universe is an unknowable and horrifying place, Santa Claus is based on the Norse god Odin, and aliens from other worlds not only exist but have visited our planet on numerous occasions. While I’ve spent plenty of time discussing the realities of alien existence with my friends at the...
Let Me Tell You About the Most Reliable Car of 2020
The most reliable car of 2020 was first designed and built on a small farm near the coast of North Carolina, in a town known, at least locally, as "Bbbpppppbbhh!" Before you go shopping for a new car, you’re going to want to take a little time to do some research and see what’s out there. Finding a vehicle...
Police Voice Concerns about Automated Vehicles
At a recent press conference, police officers and union leadership from voiced a number of concerns they have about the future of the auto industry. In particular, their worries revolved around the development of automated vehicles that will be able to drive themselves. I, myself, have some concerns about the safety of these vehicles and how well they’ll...
Surviving The Murder Hornets and a Global Pandemic: The Rise of the Mobile Safe House
Gone are the times when we could compare vehicles solely on their performance and handling merits. We long for the good old days when the hardest part of reviewing SUVs like the 2020 Chevy Equinox vs 2020 Hyundai Santa Fe was finding our damn readers. But hey, the face shield, mask, military-grade front door deadbolt, and hermetically-sealed living spaces...
Car Care Vol. 1: Changing Your Car Battery
Being able to change your battery and perform other car maintenance is something that everyone should be able to do, not only as a basic life skill but as a test of your fortitude and belief in a higher power. In order to change your car battery, first, grab it by the tail to get a firm hold on...
Ram Trucks: The Forgotten Generation
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rutherfjord Von Gourdboddum, and tonight I’m going to share with you some insider information from within the auto industry. This is a story that very few people know, one that the industry doesn’t want you to hear, and that will undoubtedly change the way you view the world forever. Whether you’re looking for...
Afraid to Return to School, Teachers are Signing up in Droves to Work at Online Car Dealerships
With many elementary, middle school, and high school teachers afraid to return to school in the fall, lest they get the sniffles and recover in 3-5 days, many are quitting the teaching profession altogether and transitioning to a somewhat unconventional new industry: online car dealerships. The New York State Teachers Union has supported teachers' desire to stop doing real...
9 Things to Look for in a Used Ford
If you’ve been on the internet at all in the last decade – I assume you have since you’re here right now – then you’ve no doubt seen about a thousand “listicles” that present you with “X Things You Need to Know About Traditional Piano Tuning” or “X Ways to Seduce Your Neighbor’s Window Washer.” Well good news: I’m...
Blue Man Group Offended Over Term Bluetooth, to Sue Car Companies That Use the Technology
Blue Man Group, the famous musical and artistic performance group, sent shockwaves through the automotive industry this Wednesday. Believe it or not, they made an announcement that they will be suing car companies that use Bluetooth technology in their vehicles, like the 2021 Chevrolet Trailblazer and the 2020 Chevy Trax, citing the term “Bluetooth” as “offensive to people who...
What Ford Won’t Tell You about the Bronco Sport
The big moment has come and gone: Ford has finally released all of the details about the 2021 Ford Bronco Sport and its big brother, the standard Ford Bronco. It was a day of great celebration within the auto industry. Here, at last, was something people seemed to actually care about. Whether it was because Ford initially scheduled the...
Nothing I Say is True
Friends, I care very much about your time, your interests, and the needs and wants of your loved ones. I’m a generous and kind individual that has a real passion for the thoughts and concerns of others, which is why I have dedicated so much of my life to helping people I don’t know. I definitely want to make...
Introducing the All-New 2021 Chevy Tahoe Protest Edition
Anyone who knows anything about the auto industry knows that it’s a business in which heroes, true heroes, rise to the top, and those that would rely on corruption or greed sink into the quagmire of their own immorality. It’s an industry built upon hard work and determination, real grit, and all those other things you see in commercials...
The Greatest Disaster of Our Time!
Friends, it’s your old pal J. Jonah Von Gourdboddum here, and I’m coming to you today with alarming information. Information that other, so-called “news” outlets and biased, liberal-controlled media sites simply won’t share with you. No, they’re far too in bed with tire shops across this great nation of ours to want to open up your eyes to the...
Controversy Hits the 2020 Sedan Bowl
This year’s Sedan Bowl was set to be a divisive face-off between the 2020 Ford Fusion and the 2020 Chevy Malibu. A rapid red metallic Titanium Fusion was all set to gear up against a cajun red Premier Malibu in a red-hot race to the finish line. Both vehicles were tightly matched with similar horsepower (245-250) and torque (260-275...
I Can Beat Up the Chevy Malibu and Ford Fusion
The Internets, such as they are, are awash in articles, blog posts, videos, and thought-implant-imagery telling you what vehicle you should buy. If you go looking to find the difference between the 2020 Chevy Malibu vs 2020 Ford Fusion and if you should buy one or the other, you’ll find the answer, oh yes. It may be disguised as...
