Chevy Erects Their New Campaign (& Pfizer Throbs Rigidly with Anger)
Detroit, MI - The Lemon recently reported on GM’s highly-publicized acquisition of Josh Billings as their new creative marketing director. Garnering wide disdain for his attempt to cross-market the 2019 Chevy Malibu with Malibu Caribbean Rum (a move which many felt encouraged drinking and driving) Billings still had two other projects by which to prove himself in the eyes...
Use of GMC Terrain Banned by Undercover Narcotics Division
Editor’s Note: To protect the innocent, and to preserve the integrity of pending police investigations, all names included in the following article have been altered.
Manchester, NH - Meet Matt White. Despite the state-issued ID which sits in his wallet, bearing his visage and the same name and billing information as the assortment of debit and credit cards that accompany...
Colorado Proves That It’s WAY More Progressive Than You Ever Thought!
Colorado Springs, CO - If lingering around an area Jeep Dealership Colorado Springs locals might be familiar with Brandon Parker. It’s worth noting that the prevalence of outdoor enthusiasts across the state of Colorado makes Jeep-brand vehicles overwhelmingly popular, especially the Wrangler in any and all forms. So, imagine how well-known a Jeep enthusiast must be in order to...
Automotive Marketing SNAFU Confuses Icelandic Farmer
Siglufjörður, Iceland - So you want to be a RAM dealer? Truth be told, becoming a franchised car dealership is an incredibly unique experience. Both time-consuming and expensive, the requirements vary greatly from state-to-state. But despite the plentiful challenges and significant financial risks, the rewards of helming a successful dealership (and even standing atop the regional chain) can be...
“(She Loves) My Tiny Penis” Hits No. 1 on Country Charts!
Nashville, TN - Country Music is a funny thing. On the one hand, you have some of the finest songwriting and musicianship in history, depicting the plight of the rural American everyman. On the other hand, that somehow devolved into a weird combination of pandering lyrics, bedazzled denim, and songs about topics as trite as truck accessories. But just...
Religious Leaders “Picking Their Battles”
As we approach what will inevitably be another divisive and supercharged presidential race, the people of the United States continue to find themselves divided over the idea of ‘American Values’ and what those values are. Independence. Diversity. Equality. Individualism. Privacy. Informality. According to a recent analysis of immigration interviews, these are just some of the characteristics which our global...
Local Man Buys GMC Sierra “Based on Misunderstanding”
Gardner, MA - At a time when truck makers seem fixated on one-upping each other in regards to everything from weight reduction to standard technologies, it’s clear that no automaker is content to rest on their laurels, or surrender market share. Consider the bold plays made by industry-leaders Ford and Chevy, to position the F-150 and Silverado respectively as...
Is Alfa Romeo’s Newest Upgrade Package a Setback for Italian-Americans?
Cultural sensitivity: a slippery slope for sure as we approach 2020. While the #woke nature of today’s world appears to be transitioning us to a more inclusive and accepting society, it grows discouragingly less-accepting and less-inclusive when it comes to the dated sensibilities of past generations.
At the risk of virtue signaling, I take great pride in the fact that...
Life is Tough. Wanna Fade Away? Have We Got the Car for You!
America has become polarized.
While the events of recent years seem to exemplify the kind of partisan polarization that has become a defining influence upon our American culture, it’s hardly a recent development. And while the divide on fundamental values such as race, immigration, equality and the environment are often attributed to lack of alignment between the Republican and Democratic...
BMW and “Dad Jokes”? How Much More Proof Do You Need?
Recently, Kyle, a longtime friend of mine purchased a 2018 BMW 3 Series Gran Turismo from BMW Cincinnati. Admittedly, the 3 Series is the most accessible BMW you can get your hands on, but it’s still a near-fifty thousand dollar investment. Eager to show off his new acquisition, he pulled in front of my house and beeped the horn,...
Chevy’s Bold Move to Breathe New Life into the Iconic Malibu
Detroit, MI - This past week, General Motors hosted representatives from the automotive press corps to announce a number of “fresh and innovative marketing campaigns, designed to embrace the evolving expectations of today’s diverse consumer base”. Seemingly a fancy way of saying, “We’re ready to try just about anything”, the new agenda appears to be the brain-child of Josh...
Ford Targets “Family Loyalty” with Redneck Modeling (Because “Cousins Love It”)
Usually, when one hears the phrase ‘Ford models’ it conjures thoughts of the diverse number of offerings served up by the automaker, be it in the form of class-leading F-Series trucks, the iconic Mustang or their wide array of cars, crossovers and SUVs. But following the release of a controversial new marketing campaign, the phrase has taken on an...
Douche-y Car Salesman Finds Love Amidst Hurricane
Albany, NY - There’s an old Finnish saying about acquiring the right romantic partner, which says, “Oikean naisen kiinnipitämiseksi tarvitset kaksi ponia ja tuulen voimakas tuuli.” Loosely translated, it means, “To catch the right woman, you need two ponies and a stiff enough wind.” And while he isn’t of Finnish descent, an Albany NY used car salesman has become...
Chevy Trucks Become “Official Truck of Waste Water Treatment”
Winthrop, MA - We’re not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s a running joke among Waste Water Treatment professionals that the industry is “the shit”. While it could be an enthusiastic endorsement of their vocation, the opportunities that it affords them and the manner in which it benefits their local communities, it could...
Volkswagen To Require Psychiatric Screening Prior to Purchase
In an unprecedented ruling, the United States Supreme Court has determined that (effective Jan 1, 2019) no persons under the age of 35 will be able to purchase a Volkswagen vehicle without undergoing stringent psychiatric evaluation. This controversial decision was reached in response to Volkswagen’s emissions scandal, and a number of recalls which has placed the safety of said...
First Unitarian Church of Dagobah Seeks to “Restore Balance to Bethesda, MD”
Bethesda, MD - To an outsider, Bethesda MD probably seems like a pretty nice place to live. Located just northwest of D.C, it ranks among the United States’ most educated and highest earning towns. Unfortunately, the tenet that knowledge, wealth and influence breed corruption seems to have taken hold of the affluent community in recent years. Civic leaders, such...
Concerned Consumers: 4 Shoppers Traumatized By The 2018 Honda Ridgeline
Recently, we tried to determine the victor of the 2018 Ford F-150 vs 2018 Honda Ridgeline battle. It took us only a few minutes of researching specs to realize that the 2018 Honda Ridgeline truly sucked. But in an effort to help us understand what purchasers of this truck must be going through, we interviewed four shoppers traumatized by...
Is Your Friend Buying a Ford Truck? Chevy Now offers a “Wing-Man Special.”
Who is he? He’s your bro. You’ve been through it all together. Maybe you’re lifelong friends. Maybe you met in high school or were fraternity brothers. It doesn’t really matter, though. Loyalty is everything, and you’ve proven to each other time and time again that you can count on one another. He’s got your back, and you’ve got his.
Now...
Cincinnati MIDAS Charged With Abuse of Customer with Mental Illness
Cincinnati, OH - Of those seeking an oil change Cincinnati drivers might want to steer clear of the MIDAS location on the corner of Wessex Avenue. Well, let us clarify…they might want to steer clear of it if they consider themselves sensitive to the plight of the mentally ill. Okay, let us clarify things further…they might want to steer...
Vin Diesel ‘Look-Alike’ Claims (the Ghost of) Paul Walker “Owes Him a 10-Second Car”
Cincinnati, OH - Emergency Medical Services were dispatched to a local car dealership on Saturday, in the hopes of detaining a man whose reported mental and emotional state may have proved a risk to the safety of the dealership’s clientele and staff.
O’Connor Toyota Cincinnati ranks as one of the most popular dealerships in the tri-state area. Owned and operated...
