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Man Buys Buick Enclave While Drunk. Wakes Up Next to Fat, Old SUV

A man with his face in his hand in front of a red Buick SUV
According to the Old Testament, the act of purchasing an SUV is not entirely unlike the act of signing on as your buddy’s ‘wingman’. Why? Not because doing so speaks to your reliability or lack of superficial fixation. It’s because doing so inevitably foretells that at the end of the night you’ll be driving an oversized, aesthetically unfulfilling (if...

Immigrant Entrepreneur Considers BHPH Dealership ‘Inevitable’

Ryan Reynolds on the Canadian border with a man in a turban. The Lemon has no idea what this has to do with Buy here pay here car dealers
Bethesda, MD - As the debate over the enforcement of immigration policy continues, sparking wars of words regarding the funding of walls and the prioritization of benefits, the fate of 11.7 million undocumented residents are pondered by some - while others remain fixated on their intentions. And while one might think that natural-born citizens remain the most intense critics...

2020 Toyota Supra Causes Spikes in Nocturnal Emissions

The Lemons live auto news coverage of the Toyota Supra
As a legitimate news source, The Lemon is always eager to share the latest in live auto news with our readership. But sometimes, that duty (which we take quite seriously) overlaps with other fields in ways we might not have anticipated; fields such as psychology. A wise man once mocked mankind (albeit lovingly) by accusing humanity of “always looking for...

NBA Player Exposes Flaws in Toyota Naming Strategy

The Toyota logo on black with a basketball player
Houston, TX - Will your mother, wife, girlfriend or daughter like the 2019 Toyota Sequoia? To quote 1990’s rapper Sir Mix-a-lot, “Only if she’s 5’ 3”.” At least that’s the opinion of Javonte Bocephus, fourth-string point guard for the Houston Rockets. Professional athletes have evolved to play an intriguing role in today’s society. From Colin Kaepernick’s role as an anti-racism...

The Amazing Story of How the Jeep Gladiator Came to Be

A satire live auto news photo depicting how the Gladiator got its name
In July of 2018, Sergio Marchionne, the executive responsible for merging two faltering automakers into the unstoppable force known as Fiat-Chrysler, died at the age of 66. And while his passing was certainly a sorrowful headline in live auto news circles, so were such groundbreaking offerings as the Dodge Challenger Hellcat, Demon, Redeye and Jeep Cherokee Trackhawk which speak...

Honda Ridgeline Credited with Decline in #ToxicMasculinity

A man making an effeminate gesture at a Honda Ridgeline
Rockford IL - For those of you who only know Rockford, IL as the “Dry Hand-Job Capitol of the U.S”, it’s time to buy yourself a new commemorative coffee cup. Why? Because the most recent sales data on the truck segment have identified Rockford as having the greatest concentration of Honda Ridgelines, than any other town or city in...

Chevy Spark to Star in 2019 Movie? And it’s NOT a Comedy?

A man frames up a shot for the camera man for a 2019 Chevy Spark
Los Angeles CA - Just days before the film’s December 21st release, Paramount Pictures announced the next chapter in the Transformer film series, following this year’s holiday blockbuster ‘Bumblebee’. While executives are remaining tight-lipped, E! Entertainment Televisions is reporting that the film will be based around a Transformer, whose automotive form is that of a 2019 Chevy Spark and...

Nissan Leaf voted ‘Car of the Year’ by Huntington Beach Oil Barons

nissan huntington beach
Huntington Beach CA - You don’t have to be a resident of the west coast to feel the reach of California’s influence when it comes to the protection of natural resources or the desire to increase sustainable alternatives. Hell, you don’t even to be American. The simple truth is legislation originating in the Golden State impacts everything from domestic...

Dealership Accidentally Sponsors Brazilian Sports Team

A man in a suit in front of a Brazilian crowd
Bethesda, MD - As any marketer knows, one’s budget can prove to be a finicky mistress, especially when it limits the realization of an initiative, or directly opposes one’s ultimate goal. And therein lies a lesson which was learned ‘the hard way’ by Jan Rock-Woodland, Marketing Associate at Confederated Chevrolet-GMC-Buick, a Bethesda based GM dealership. Her goal? To promote...

Portland’s Cash-Free Economy Reigns Havoc on Dealerships

A picture depicting the odd cultural developments in Portland OR and trade in prices
Portland, OR - Of all the kitschy cultural developments to reassert themselves in modern times, bartering might be one of the most fascinating. Unless, of course, you’re a managing partner in a Portland Chevrolet dealership where the employees don’t understanding the difference between ‘bartering’ and ‘trade in value’. To use a phrase coined by Rolling Stone magazine, Portland seems to...

Ford Plays “Would You Rather” with Massachusetts Man

The words Would You Rather over a Boston skyline with an outline of Massachusetts that reads Special Masshole Edition
Lenox, MA - If you’re searching out used Ford F-150 for Sale, you might want to talk to Bill Baker of Lenox, Massachusetts before you pull the trigger on any purchases. Mr. Baker (age 26) might be best known in the local community as “Jeep Guy”, having owned a string of Wranglers and having been very vocal about the...

New Study says ‘Driving a Yaris’ and ‘Regret’ are Almost Indistinguishable

White 2019 Toyota Yaris in back with depressed man in front
Long before any college or university had secured research funding to prove (or disprove) it, a long-standing (and oft-quoted) trope has laid claim that the biochemical effects of falling in love can be duplicated by eating chocolate. And while science has gone on to validate that claim (which we’ll get to) it raises the question of what other mental...

Live-Action Lion King to Feature Brand-New Characters + Jeep

Pride Rock from The Lion King live-action remake with a tourist in front
Los Angeles, CA - While The Lemon prides ourselves on covering live auto news, we sometimes get suckered into the allure of Hollywood. If we’re lucky, we will occasionally have an opportunity to combine both our passions: overpriced cars and overpriced movies. We lucked out. Back on November 22nd, Disney released a trailer for their upcoming, live-action version of the...

Automotive Journalist to Receive Ground-Breaking Coma Therapy

Dangling keys in front of coma patient
Bethesda, MD - For automotive journalist Benji Wheeling, the day began like any other. After hitting snooze 3-4 times, he rose to a little ‘wake & bake’, following by reruns of the George Lopez Show and a half-eaten (pizza) Lunchable for breakfast. With his wife (a registered nurse) long-since departed, arriving at the hospital after dropping their two children...

Louisville Dealerships Attempt to Force Automakers Into Unprecedented

Used cars in Louisville satire image
Lousiville, KY - Attention Kentuckians, if you’re shopping for used cars, Louisville dealerships are making a play to ‘change the game’ as to what options you might have available to you in the years to come. What is the common culture of the United States? If you think Patriotism is the answer, you’re fucking wrong. And if you’re offended by...

BREAKING: “Christmas” Creator Santa Claus Dead

Flaming car in back with reindeer, presents and a fireman in front
Santa Claus will not be coming to town in 2019. While we primarily focus on live auto news, The Lemon has received exclusive intel that Santa Claus, the creator of “Christmas,” has passed away. Mr. Claus was 1,469 years old. Shockingly, the jolly fat man did not pass away from old age nor diabetes. Rather, Mr. Claus passed away last...

Massachusetts Presidential Hopeful Turns Down Jeep Sponsorship

A white 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee and a Politician - Satire
Cambridge, MA - While Fiat-Chrysler of America has claimed that no show of political partiality was intended in their recent offer to provide transportation for recently re-elected Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, pundits from both sides of the aisle are in an uproar. And while we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, the fact that they offered up a...

“Man Visits Dealership for Quick Lube, Promptly Arrested”

A man in a monkey mask is arrested at Uncle Jays Used Car Emporium
Depending on whether you’re a car aficionado or a degenerate money-spending sex hound, you may have a different interpretation of “quick lube” than others. Well, that’s the situation a Winchendon, Massachusetts man found himself in this week. Local Winchendon resident Richard D. Holder was arrested after an ordeal at a local car dealership, Uncle Jay’s Used Car Emporium. (Uncle Jay...

Women Vote Commercial Vans “Sexiest Vehicles on Earth”

Ryan Reynolds, the Rock and a mans ass crack in a dirty kitchen
The beauty of industrial or commercial vehicles is that, for the automotive and fitting industries, there is some expectation of job security. While economic ebbs and flows might affect the workload for contractors and service providers in all forms, the simple fact is that the need for such skilled laborers and technicians rarely seems to disappear completely. Even specialists...

Satanic Cult Diversifies, Opening RAM Dealership “For the Hell of It”

Satanic Pentagram over Ram truck, on black
Do you like Satanists? Whether or not you realize it, the answer is probably ‘yes’. Surprised? Most people are. Because a recent study shows that modern Satanists rival Roman Catholics in number, meaning that a good number of your friends, family and loved ones might actually worship the Dark Lord Baphomet. The difference is Satanists (unlike Christians, Vegans, Crossfitters...