Home Blog
Red Traffic Light District: Used Car Dealership Rebrands as Auto Brothel
TOTTENVILLE, NY — A struggling used car dealership in New York City's southwesternmost corner is attempting to attract new clientele from across the five boroughs by rebranding itself as "a brothel for cars."
"You don't have sex with the cars," said owner and manager J.P. Laudermilk. "I just want to make that as clear as possible. We've had a couple...
Ford Rebrands F-Series With Names Instead of Numerals; “Girth King” Tops Lineup
DEARBORN, MI — Ford has announced a new naming convention for its flagship F-Series, eschewing the "integer plus fifty" scheme in favor of distinct titles, beginning with the 2025 model year. Ford hopes this will eliminate confusion around its pickups and their comparisons to the likes of Chevy's Silverados and Ram's Rams, which have a similar naming convention of...
Chevy’s Smallest SUV to Get ‘Beefy’ New Horn Option
DETROIT, MI — General Motors has just announced that Chevy's smallest gas-powered model, the subcompact Trax, will have a new package available halfway through the 2024 model year. This package, known as the "Beef Package," will upgrade the Trax's horn with one of three new sounds.
The first is what GM calls its "Locomotion" sound: that of a freight train's...
The Best Vehicles for Committing Different Crimes
After years of reviews and reporting, we've become seen as an expert source on automobiles. Thus, our readers often reach out for recommendations—the best SUVs for Midwestern families, the best cars for low-ambition college graduates, the best pickup trucks for men with small hands, etcetera.
However, there's one category we've never addressed publicly, despite the vast amount of requests we've...
Ford, McDonald’s Unite: Lease Any Super Duty, Get Free McNuggets
CHICAGO, Ill. — An announcement from the McDonald’s Corporation has left consumers both impressed and confused.
Amy Jamieson, the Director for US Field Communications and Public Relations at McDonald's, told an eagerly assembled band of reporters on Wednesday that the fast food giant was teaming up with automotive legacy corporation Ford for a “new cross-promotion.”
“Talks with Ford’s leadership have yielded...
Chevy, Cadillac to Produce Four-Door “Chadillac” for Entitled Young Men
THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Chevrolet and Cadillac have announced a new joint venture for an affordable but garish everyday sports/luxury car. This product is targeting a niche market that neither Cadillac nor Chevy has been quite able to entice: the entitled sons of rich men.
Chevrolet has long been General Motors’ utilitarian brand, producing simple commuter sedans, oversized trucks, and...
Best Cars to ‘Go Green’ With in 2024
Since the advent of the Toyota Prius in the year 2000, the auto industry has been on an exponential transformation toward like-minded vehicles. Today, with two decades of evolution behind us, we wanted to explore the fruit that’s descended from this tree—so, without any further adieu, here are the best models to ‘go green’ with in 2024…
First up is...
VW’s All-Electric Future Is Looking Different Now That It Has AID.S
FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA — It’s no surprise that Volkswagen has announced yet another electric vehicle, considering they’ve been manufacturing battery-powered vehicles since 2020 (with the ID.4 crossover, the ID.7 sedan, and the ID. Buzz minivan), but what is a surprise is that this new model is a sports car—a new venture for the German automaker.
Volkswagen has famously shied away...
With the Camaro Being Discontinued, America’s Young Men Feel Their Masculinity Threatened
CHINO, Calif. — As you might have heard, Chevy will be discontinuing their classic muscle car in its gasoline-powered form, and the 2024 Chevy Camaro will be the final iteration. This is a major blow to men everywhere who have relied on this vehicle to demonstrate to their neighbors that they are alpha male badasses and ought not to...
BREAKING: Trico to Release New Windshield Wiper That Elongates “That Smear”
LIVE AUTO NEWS — We are buttered up to our gills with excitement. We just intercepted a nascent press release (someone emailed it to us by accident) from Trico announcing their intent to bring to market a new windshield wiper blade that is, honestly, something we never thought we wanted. However, given the fact that Trico is the inventor...
Ford to Partner With Malibu Rum for the F-151
MONTE RIO, Calif. — The Ford Motor Company has released a statement announcing a new truck model based largely on their best-selling light-duty F-150. It will supposedly see few changes, but Ford executives insist it is not just a trim for their indomitable hauler.
The statement was considerably difficult to read and riddled with spelling errors, leading us to question...
Signs Your Used Car Is a Closet Cold Case Killer
Does anyone else watch a few episodes of Cold Case Files to unwind at the end of the day or is that just me? Just me? Okay. There’s something oddly satisfying about law enforcement locating someone’s murderer 40 years later when they were right under their nose the entire time. Typically, the killer doesn’t go far, instead, they have...
Sight-Handicapped Drivers Vandalize Car Dealership, Outraged Over the Term “Blind Spot”
VAN NUYS, Calif. — A local Chevrolet dealership was besieged by a group of sight-handicapped individuals on Thursday, expressing outrage over the terminology of a particular driver assistance feature found in newer models like the 2024 Chevy Malibu, whose Chevy Safety Assist sensor suite calls it "Lane Change Alert with Side Blind Zone Alert."
Six blind people—or "persons with a...
Chevy Announces Return of Bolt EV and Future Plans
Recently, drivers were saddened to learn that the Chevy Bolt EV was being discontinued. As the most affordable and impressively flammable electric vehicle on the market, its removal would be felt by many drivers. Even more recently, however, drivers were saddened to learn that the Chevy Bolt EV was returning with an all-new generation and a full redesign. Why...
People Keep Mistaking Nissan’s Xtronic Transmission for a Popular DJ
Nissan recently announced that their 2024 Nissan Sentra for sale will have a new continuously variable automatic transmission by the name of Xtronic. However, this has caused some confusion in the house music scene, of all places, because of a DJ who goes by the same name.
Both house music venues and Nissan dealerships have been facing an increase in...
Flat Earther Protests Chevy Dealership, Warns Danger of Driving off the Edge of the World
As the new 2024 model year gears up, there’s a lot of excitement regarding the offerings from Chevy. With the Silverado EV set to make a sizable impact on the vehicle-buying public, you can feel the enthusiasm in the air. While the aspect of finding a Chevy Silverado for sale is certainly on the minds of many, there’s one...
Top Three Signs a Car Dealership Is Actually a Bordello
Unless you’re intimately familiar with the seedy underbelly of the auto industry, this may come as a surprise to you. Some car dealerships are not all they appear to be. I know, you probably found this out because you need a vehicle, but your credit score is worse than your ability to choose a reliable source for car news....
Hunter Biden Allegedly Selling Used Cars to Make Child Support Payments
WASHINGTON — It appears things have really gone downhill for Hunter Biden, who sources say is now hawking cheap used cars for sale at an abandoned lot somewhere in a suburb outside of Washington DC.
This information is a result of yet another mysterious customer—said to look like Hunter Biden—dropping off a laptop at a computer store and the shop's...
The Four Best Features of the Worst Ford F-150
Do you like shiny, powerful, impressive trucks that ride real tall, have rumbly-bumbly engines, and can tow a bunch of weight behind them? If you said no to any of those things, then go away. But for the rest of you who are still here (seriously, piss off if you said no), we’re going to talk about one of...
Florida Man Still Drives Ford Excursion, Claims It Has Nothing to Do With Size of His Penis
DAYTONA BEACH, FL — The SUV has achieved widespread popularity as the ideal choice of transportation in modern America, and a major part of this can be attributed to the scaling down of their size—an ongoing process since the early 2000s, leading to what we call the "crossover" SUV.
Many of today's new drivers—who were born at the start of...
